There are about eighteen hundred species of earwig. I would've thought that one thousand would've been more than sufficient; however, some people are never satisfied. The earwig got its name from the belief that the insect sometimes burrows into a person's brain and lays eggs; zoologists, however, contend that the earwig never makes it any further than the eardrum. I believe that I am not alone in my opinion that this is hardly comforting...

The most singular physical characteristic of the earwig is its cerci, a set of pinchers located at the insect's posterior. Not only do the cerci help the earwig in securing its prey, but it also aids in the act of copulation... although the male has been known to grow an extra penis just in case something goes very very wrong. And, who wouldn't want a spare penis? The cerci may or may not be forceps-shaped, so it is best not to assume anything.

Most earwigs have wings, although they are flightless insects. Exceptions to this are Hemimerina and Arixenina, which are wingless types of earwig. This may not seem important to you; but, I know from experience that information like this has a way of becoming the lynch-pin in a life or death situation.

The larvae of the earwig resemble closely the adults, except that their wings aren't developed yet. The Hemimerina and Arixenina look identical to their parents because they don't have any wings. They are simply smaller and less worldly.

Theologian William Paley once said, "The hinges in the wings of an earwig, and the joints of its antennae, are as highly wrought, as if the Creator had nothing else to finish. We see no signs of dimunition of care by multiplicity of objects, or of distraction of thought by variety. We have no reason to fear, therefore, our being forgotten, or overlooked, or neglected." Essentially, this was Christ's "Consider the Lily" speech, but modified somewhat for earwigs.

What did Shakespeare say about the earwig? Who knows? They couldn't watch him twenty-four hours a day. The fact is, he seldom alluded to it in writing. Perhaps he could've mentioned the insect as a poetic metaphor for the poison that was dropped into the ear of Hamlet's father in his tragedy Hamlet. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say...