(NERO is standing in an operating room. NERO'S MOTHER is lying on the operating table. In an above observation room several SPECTATORS look on and shuffle in their seats from time to time.)

   NERO: Everybody, welcome. I am Nero. I'll be your surgeon today. We will be starting shortly. Several members of the press have expressed a desire to witness this historic moment and I don't think any of them are here yet. Are any of you members of the press? No? I didn't think so. That's fine. We'll wait a few more minutes.

(BILL walks into the O.R.)

   NERO: Speak of the devil. Everybody please welcome Bill Wells of the Tribune. Bill, it's good to see you. Welcome.

   BILL: Hello, Nero. How's your mother?

   NERO: Oh, I had Sheryl from anaesthesiology put her under hours ago.

   BILL: I hope you haven't been waiting on my account.

   NERO: Oh no. Oh no. Just want to be quite ready. Several other members of the media are expected any moment.

   BILL: Oh, well, honestly, Nero, today I'm just here as a friend. I couldn't get any column space out of my editor.

   NERO: Did you say it was me? You told them it was Nero who was operating?

   BILL: Yes.

   NERO: I'm sure he didn't hear you. Editors can be quite hard of hearing. They've just released several studies. Write the article. He'll run it. Just make sure you put my name in the headline. Not for my sake of course, for you. To get your article printed. Your article about me.

   BILL: We'll see, I guess.

   NERO: Have a seat, Bill, we ought to start soon.

(BILL sits down to the left of the operating table. NERO examines his scalpels.)

(A portly, little man walks in dragging an oversized briefcase behind him. He is ARTHUR CADEMIA.)

  ARTHUR: Hello. I'm interrupting something, aren't I? Terribly sorry. I am Arthur Cademia.

   NERO: Greetings, Mr. Cademia.

  ARTHUR: Thank you. I'm looking for the lecture on maternal influence on the mass murderer.

   NERO: Yes, welcome. You have come to the right place.

   ARTHUR: Actually, this seems to be an operation.

   NERO: It's going to be a very engaging lecture.

   ARTHUR: Who is being operated on?

   NERO: My mother.

   ARTHUR: This is certainly not what I had in mind. I was envisioning more of a... of a... podium.

   NERO: I find they remove the lecturer from his audience.

   BILL: And the surgeon from his patient.

   ARTHUR: Quite true. Regardless, I think I'm going to go see something else.

   NERO: What else is there?

   ARTHUR: Well, I seem to recall a talk of some kind on female reproductive rights.

   NERO: That also refers to my demonstration.

   ARTHUR: And a critique of anti-imperialist dogmas.

   NERO: That is me, as well. The press will be here. Are you an expert in any of those fields?

   ARTHUR: All of them.

   NERO: Then you must stay. To offer a learned opinion after my exhibit.

   ARTHUR: I suppose I'm already here...

   BILL: Too true. Nero, you ought to get started.

   NERO: Several members of the press have expressed interest in–

   BILL: I'm sure the wire services can pick up my story.

   NERO: Alright. Well then, without further ado, welcome ladies and gentlemen to my little talk on female reproductive rights in an anti-imperialist age of mass murderers and their mothers.

   ARTHUR: Fantastic.

(CLAIRE, Nero's sister, comes bursting in.)

   CLAIRE: Nero, what the hell are you doing?

   NERO: What a surprise. Ladies and gentlemen, my sister Claire.

   CLAIRE: You cannot do this.

   NERO: Regardless of can and cannot, I must.

   CLAIRE: Why?

  NERO: I was just getting to that bit. Ahem. In a few moments I will disembowel my mother, who you see sedated before you. I do this not for shock value alone but rather to answer one of the questions that has plagued mankind since he first stood upright and said "who shall be our emperor?"

   BILL: How does disemboweling your mother answer that question?

   NERO: That isn't the question.

   BILL: It is.

   NERO: It is a question that early man asked but it– if you let me finish...

   BILL: Please.

  NERO: So early man asked himself "from whence do I spring?" And his mom answered "When a man and a woman love each other very much–" and early man said "oh, do shut up mother. I was speaking on a more metaphysical plain." But today I shall answer that question on every plain.

   ARTHUR: Fascinating.

   CLAIRE: She's my mother too. I don't think you've justified cutting her open.

   NERO: I am exploring my very--

   CLAIRE: --mother! It's not right.

   NERO: Regardless of right and wrong it is necessary.

   CLAIRE: You always do that.

   NERO: Ladies and gentlemen I assure you that the event you are about to witness is absolutely unique. I have never before, nor shall ever again, cut open my mother.

   CLAIRE: That isn't what I meant. I was talking about that "regardless" thing you do. Since I was a kid you've done that. You pretend it justifies your actions when it doesn't at all. You can't just dismiss me with a stupid sophism.

   NERO: Regardless of dismissive and attentive--

  CLAIRE: Fine, cut open our mother. See if I care. I hate you. I hate you till you're dead.

(CLAIRE storms out of the room. NERO watches her go and then calmly resumes.)

   NERO: By cutting open my mother we will all see from whence I sprang. The mystery of creation will be solved and I for one will sleep like a log. Can I field any questions before I make the first incision?

   ARTHUR: Yes, I was wondering where you see the role of language fitting into this idea that we can perceive creation by understanding the origins of one man. Is the spoken word a suitable medium to transfer a limited understanding to a more all encompassing level?

   NERO: Good question, Arthur. Thank you. I have found language to be an inferior tool to that of action. Which is why I'm keeping my comments today brief so I can hurry up and cut open my mom.

(NERO is about to make a cut when Arthur interjects again.)

  ARTHUR: I ask because, I too, have often felt that language is, at times, grossly inadequate. I, for one, would be more apt to give serious consideration to the idea of karma if it was spelt with a c-h instead of a k.

   BILL: What?

   ARTHUR: And in a similar vein I can't help but think that you would be less interested in your current project if womb didn't have that fantastically alluring silent b on the end.

   NERO: Truer words have rarely been spoken. Sadly I speak Latin. A language entirely devoid of the silent b. If there are no other questions let us--

   BILL: Could you comment on the accusations that this operation is merely a stunt to revive your lagging career as a tyrant.

   NERO: I was hoping this would come up, actually. My works can no longer be created solely to set a benchmark, or to wow the masses. I once fiddled while Rome burned. And I got a lot of attention for that in the press. And some friends thought it was some of the best despotism they had seen in some time. But those days are in the past. Today's piece is about me. Me and us. Understanding where we come from. In many ways it's more important than anything I've done previously. And I think people see that. I don't have to prove anything to anybody... except myself.

(NERO lifts up his scalpel and poises it above his mother's abdomen when a newsy bursts in.)

   NEWSY: There are cameras everywhere. Caligula just appointed his horse senator.

(Everyone except NERO and NERO'S MOTHER runs out of the room in an uproar. NERO sighs and drops his scalpel on the floor.)

   NERO: How will we ever know from whence we sprang?

   NERO'S MOTHER: Honey, when a man loves a woman very much--

   NERO: --he appoints a horse to the Senate. Yes, yes, I get it.

In the latest CoffeeCast, Simon shares his views on the Arab world, Gloria spreads rumors that Amelia Earhart is in Kansas, and everyone agrees that trees are naturey. Plus: games, trivia, and the Sims get choosey about their brew.

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About CoffeeCast - Skimmed from the very cream of Starbucks culture, CoffeeCast features two baristas who are bizarrely smitten with being baristas. Gloria and Simon are based out of a New York City Starbucks and they have real enthusiasm for their work. This weekly podcast gives them a chance to share the things they love: coffee and aggressive, stylized marketing. It's funny. It's also kind of scary.

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