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eDate Thread 32871: Send Help!
Judson Merrill
Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 06.11.06 - 13:06:33 / Send Help!
I am being held in a Turkmenistanish prison. Please send help. I am often tortured and beaten within an inch of my life. There is not much time. I do not know why this computer has been left unguarded or why it has been logged onto eDate.luv, where singles meet and connect 24 hours a day. But it has. So, please, you must help me.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 06.11.06 - 13:46:21 / Re: Send Help!
I would be lying if I said I never used online dating services, so I'll just skip that part. Your posting caught my eye and I would love to know more about you, LostDoc. What's your real name?

Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 06.13.06 - 23:19:49 / Re: Send Help!
Oh, merciful heavens. Thank you. Thank you. I do not know my exact location, but I am a Kazakhstanian scientist, and I am being held somewhere along the border of my own country and Turkmenistan. My name is Jafreed Magmoush. Please contact my government and send help. Contact any government, even the Russians. I am desperate.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 06.13.06 - 00:17:53 / Re: Send Help!
Oh wow! I didn't understand before. Are you really foreign? I live in boring, old Truth and Consequences, New Mexico. That's in America. Did Kazakhstan used to be part of Russia? What's it like there?
ps- My name is Celia.
pps- What do you look like?

Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 06.15.06 - 09:42:13 / Re: Send Help!
What do I look like? I'm tall and dark and I have the appearance of a once proud scientist who is now abused with tire irons thrice daily. I look like a broken man. Please, tomorrow I am being forced to work and, if I am not rescued soon, more than my life will be in danger. Celia of Truth and Consequences, New Mexico, please, I implore you, send these messages to my government. Time is running out.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 06.15.06 - 14:37:39 / Re: Send Help!
Confession time: I am at work, too. I'm not supposed to use the internet for non-work related purposes, but everybody does. I have to say, Jafreed, I am a skeptic when it comes to love, but you have a wild sense of urgency that is exciting something in me I thought was dead. I have been reading quite a bit about Kazakhstan. Did you know it has a lucrative oil industry? Are you in oil, Jafreed? What do you do for work?

Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 06.23.06 - 20:02:06 / Re: Send Help!
Oh, you know. This and that. Right now I'm mostly in the getting brutalized field. It's pretty routine. My captors wake me at four in the morning and subject me to electrolysis or near drownings in vinegar and then force me to produce deadly chemical weapons until midnight. Another quick beating and I'm off to bed. It's mundane at this point but I hope in a few months I'll be promoted to rotting corpse and my work will be used to kill hundreds of innocent people. Kisses, Jafreed.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 06.24.03 - 07:13:57 / Re: Send Help!
You're in weapons? Defense? I can't believe this! I work for the American Defense Department. Just clerical work, but that is so funny that we're in the same field. Am I silly for taking this as a sign?

Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 06.30.06 - 12:43:11 / Re: Send Help!
Sweet dear Jesus, please, for all that is holy, just pass my name along to your superiors. The right people will recognize it. This IS a sign, Celia. A sign that you must help me.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 06.31.06 - 10:22:51 / Re: Send Help!
I was awake all last night because I couldn't stop thinking about you.

Jafreed, I know this is a little crazy, but have you ever considered moving to the United States? There really are some great opportunities here for foreigners.

Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 07.01.06 - 17:09:59 / Re: Send Help!
Dear, dear Celia. Seeing as my days are currently a mixture of blinding pain, alcohol baths, and the knowledge that I will soon be one of the world’s most infamous murderers, I would love to emigrate to the USA. The only problem is the fleet of armed guards who keep me here and the severed achilles tendons in my right ankle that prevents me from walking.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 07.09.06 - 10:17:30 / Re: Send Help!
Jafreed. I have met someone else. His name is TigerLily. I know this is sudden but... look, you deserve the truth. Frankly, you came on a little too strong for me, Jafreed. I don't know if you're after a green card or you really do care for me, but your last message spooked me. And while I was spooked, I met Tiger. He's an engineer. It makes more sense, really. I did care for you, Jafreed. Good luck.

Username: LostDoc / Posted On: 07.11.06 - 15:21:43 / Re: Send Help!
Fuck you.

Username: SassyKat / Posted On: 07.19.06 - 13:17:25 / Re: Send Help!
Jafreed. Not a lot of time. Work is under emergency lockdown. Some crackpot from Eurasia has managed to gas much of New Mexico and part of Texas. No one is sure how he was able to get his hands on so much chemically volatile material, but no one is allowed to leave the building. I may not live to see the end of this. And I know I hurt you. I know that, but just now, with death possibly so close, it was you I wanted to write to. You I wanted to be with. But I've been such a cow. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, just tell me. My resources are limited. I am locked in this building with high ranking military and Defense officials, with only dozens of secure lines to the Pentagon and the White House and high speed internet access to connect us to the rest of the world. But, if it is within my power during these last few days on earth, then -- wait. Now they're saying it's just a smog alert. Oh, thank God. We can all go home. It's just smog. Wow. That was scary. Okay. I'll catch up with you later. TigerLily says hey. Celia.
CoffeeCast with Gloria and Simon
Gloria and Simon
In the latest CoffeeCast, Gloria tries to take the competition down a notch, Simon reveres a little-known founding father, and Timothy English has some competition from the Mecca. Plus: games, trivia, and caffeinated sneakers for your conscience.

You can stream CoffeeCast below or right-click the bean logo to download the show as an mp3. Further, you can click here to subscribe to this podcast with iTunes. (Be warned, iTunes will launch if you click.) Or, if you've already got iTunes open, pull down the "Advanced" menu and select "Subscribe to Podcast...". When prompted, paste in this url: http://90ways.com/coffeecast.xml. The show is fresh every Thursday by subscription but you can get it Wednesdays here at 90ways.




About CoffeeCast - Skimmed from the very cream of Starbucks culture, CoffeeCast features two baristas who are bizarrely smitten with being baristas. Gloria and Simon are based out of a New York City Starbucks and they have real enthusiasm for their work. This weekly podcast gives them a chance to share the things they love: coffee and aggressive, stylized marketing. It's funny. It's also kind of scary.
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