Criticism. Essay. Fiction. Science. Weather.
1A piece removed. 2Come eat it.
Or don't. 3Wine, Shoulder, Bolt, Socket. 4Mothbombs 5On the road with your only soul. 6One woman's trash is another woman's treasure 7Aliens! Right here in America! 8It's not as crazy as it sounds
or, music is as music does 91) Sign.
2) Hope for the best. 10A friendship in a bottle. 11A five-year-old tries his hand at action adventure. 12Will the circle be unbroken. 1390ways' first Quaterly Review rages on:
2 samples of Fiction. 14Muscles and fat.
A thin layer of sweat. 15Fiction goes serial.
Part 1 has sex and drugs.
You know you want to stay tuned. 16Our fiction serial concludes to cure your
vertigo from last week's cliff-hanger. 17An iced-out 21-speed sensation: The Moves are
all up on your handlebars. 18We're all in this together.
Except those bastards in administration. 19Jilted, laughed at,
and in the air. 20Swirling and swirling... 21You can't make yourself like them, but you have to pretend because they are your family. 22How well do jewel cases retain odor?
About as well as you stink. 23It's black and white. It's old world.
It's photo time. 24Piggy calls, wanting to sell you insurance.
This is what's on the other end of the line. 25A long pause, then, 26Fiction's Second Qaurterly Review
can speak Italian. 27It's only bread, after all. 28It's job search time at 90ways. 29George W. Bush's resting heart rate and a bum in a green sweater. 30Antique weaponry and teenage angst.
Together at last. 31One-hundred-fifty-three syllables
of October fun. 32there is only
self 33She's cold to the touch.
Cold and pebbly. 34Gut-wrenching love.
And wallabies. 35Building a habit out of ivies and orange flowers. 36A 90ways exclusive sneak peak at the
new and groundbreaking Alphabet Book. 37Type it with one hand and
see what happens 38A face any susbsitence farmer could love. 39The Quarterly Review: read it again for the third time. 40For every task, someone is the best.
Sometimes that's impressive. 41I didn't get a computer;
I moved to Indiana. 42A piece removed. 4390ways has new concerns about identity theft. Lock up the children and your sense of self. 44time. eyes. deep sighs. 45I know there's a place 4690 stars are born. 47I had to ask. 48It's about sex.
But isn't that always the way with classical music? 49The epistolary form in the 21st century.
Complete with neuroses and unpunctuation. 50There is no end to the party. 51Rockin to the sweet sounds of prepared food. 52Of or pertaining to. 53Including spaces, this blurb is 90 characters. Ways, words, characters. It is a leitmotif. 54Minnesota. Miami. Poetry in 90ways' Fiction.
It's the best of all worlds. 55It lives and breathes and is hungry for carnival food. 56A piece removed. 57The curtain is being pulled back... 58Up in the Fiction house! It's a bird. It's a plane.
It's an illustralogue! 59The hat, in all honesty, is a private matter. 60Putting up with all the doth. 6190words strike terror into the hearts of the longwinded. 62Return of the illustralogue! 63Take one down, pass it around,
blow your nose. 64A piece removed. 65The First Quarterly Review wants
you to meet its little friend. 66From our servers to your ear buds!
It's misguided enthusiasm, in podcast form! 67Questions for the man himself.
Plus, the podcast adventure continues. 68No one would ever use Starbucks
to define their identity. Right... 69Don't you remember the rose clipped under my windshield wiper like a butterfly under a pin? 70Oh, it's nothing.
Oh, it's life-threatening disease. 71It's not you. It's me.
And my Eurasian captors.
72Root, root, root for the brisk
sale of anything possible. 73Look within the very bowels of the soul.
Or at least your mother. 74We're not strangers any more. 75He knows of what he speaks. 76I find that often times I'm quite
mature enough to enjoy a few beverages. 77He is licking me.
I don't like it one bit. 78Our favorite stuff is coming 'round the mountain, again. 79A wooden-back brush and a homemade bowl of oatmeal. 80A man's home is his... 81Fack to the Buture. 82This dude pulled back on his nose
and mucus and unleashed a city. 83The polls are in. 93% of respondents do not approve of the monkeybone lodged in their lower lip 84Like a thirsty man in the desert 85Taxpayer dollars wasted on broken egg. News at eleven. 86She loves her red octopus.
She will chew it to death. 87Bubbling, gurgling, fighting a moment to stay afloat. 88Molting our pasts into the air... 89The Return of 90 Words 90It comes but once a... ever. 91Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, the end of the Fiscal Quarter. 92The 540 word circle is now unbroken. 93An emptying out of the animus, perceived as tranquility
94All roads lead to South Dakota. Or at least the I-90 does, anyway. 95He laid down his whittling knife and he and his brother took up arms in rage. 96Drinking manhattans made with a good bourbon, and strong. 97Living white and pudgy, I never expected much for myself. Now, I could tell that was true. 98A few gestural lines towards the thought of death. 99Rest in peace.
I know I will. 100And then we played baseball and then we played army and then we were best friends. 101We torn holes in sheets and became ghosts for each other's pleasures. 102I looked at the pictures of you, twenty years old,
sometimes skinny and sometimes your face a soft moon.
103Fingers clutching little trinkets of the day... 104All roads lead to South Dakota. Or at least the I-90 does, anyway. 105Everywhere signs of an interstice arriving. 106What you see and what you believe are two different things. 107It was as if a million literary ghosts poured from its pages, moaning to be set free. 108So what if too many times we have been here, both
lost in our machinations...
Mr. McLantern: Future Employer!
Dearest Future Employer!
I greatly enjoyed meeting with you the other day and being shown around your beautiful offices. It was really neat! Remember how you said the paper reaches almost 40,000 people everyday? When you said that I thought, "Wow, that averages out to more than 27 people every minute! It would be so great to work for such a beloved newspaper."
I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you a little more about myself since you kept getting those weird phone calls and we never really got a chance to chat.
Well, I'll tell you Mr. McLantern, growing up in the deep suburbs (over 80 miles from your offices!) I never dreamed I'd live and work in the state capital. But it turns out that having a Greyhound driver's daughter as your high school sweetheart can really get you places in this world. I don't mean to imply that I've slept my way to the top of the instruction manual business. The job I hold now I secured on my own, and nurtured with my blood, sweat, and tears. I'm not sure how much you know about manual writing, Mr. McLantern, but it can be pretty cutthroat. Being head writer of a small-to-medium size outfit like the one I work for is no mean feat. (Or is it "mean feet"? I like to think mine are kind of nice!)
When I'm not at work, and that does happen from time to time, I have two hobbies that really keep my spirits up, especially during the cold winter months: table tennis and collecting antique lanterns. Now, I don't know if you've ever noticed, but your very last name contains the word lantern. I sure noticed and I think it's a sign that your paper and I are a perfect fit.
Enough about me! As you requested, I am enclosing several samples of the work I did at my old job. It was hardly as glamorous as journalism but I think I got the opportunity to really shine on a few big deals. Let's go to the highlights:
PASTING HOUSEHOLD ITEMS WITH PASTEYPEAR: THE PASTE YOU CAN EAT
Hold the household item upside down against a flat surface. Apply end D of the PasteyPear Paste Stick to your household item and rub in concentric circles for 70-85 seconds or until entire surface area is covered, whichever comes second. (Now might be a good time to take a nibble! Don't worry, we won't tell!) Quickly press pasted side of household item to another household item, self, or clean surface. Hold in place for 10-15 minutes. Your household item should now be firmly pasted in place, The PasteyPear way!
Attention: When eating PasteyPear Paste be sure to chew thoroughly and digest quickly to prevent intestinal blockage and/or alimentary rupture.
ENJOYING YOUR NEW POPSICLE
2) Suck, lick or bite. The choice is yours!
3) Notice that even in the glaring heat your new popsicle will not drip! FreezeyTimeSnax has spent 17 years and $14 billion dollars to make this dream a reality so, please, really do take the time to notice.
4) Preheat your oven to 148 degrees Fahrenheit.
5) Hold your popsicle just inside the oven.
6) Behold how FreezeyTimeSnax bend and writhe in the heat but will not melt or drip.
7) Really get a good look at it. Watch that sucker wiggle!
INSTALLING YOUR NEW POINTILLA CARBON MONOXIDE DETECTOR
By buying a Pointilla CM detector you've made the right choice for you and your family. Just think of the senseless death you could all come to if you tried to detect this deadly gas on your own. Little Jimmy would be sniffing around the furnace, Wife Sheila might try licking the garage floor, and Infant Tina would be all eyes, but to no avail! Remember, Carbon Monoxide is odorless, tasteless and colorless.
First, make sure your food item has been sectioned into pieces that can easily fit in your mouth. There is no need to force food pieces that are too large since Eating can be savored again and again! Skewer the selected food piece with the provided Skewering Wand. Place in mouth and gently remove food from wand with teeth. Employ Eating and enjoy!
Well, Mr. McLantern, that's the cream of the crop. I still have a lot to learn and, as you said, have funny hair (I know I didn't laugh at the time but when I look at it now, it really is kind of funny, isn't it? Ha!) but I think I have some raw skills that have been developed writing over 2100 manuals and pamphlets during the past three years. Put me to work and you and your family will never go hungry again!