Of all the Anabaptists in the world, I guess that I hate the Amish the most. Not because they are Anabaptists -- hell, even I can't get mad at the Quakers... especially the androgynous guy on the oatmeal box. No, and it isn't the adult baptisms that make me so mad at the Amish. It is the entirety of their attitude. Let me explain...

One of my many joys is waiting for some wide-eyed Moonie wannabe to knock at my door and try to convert me to their religion. There is nothing that I like better than telling them, during the initial handshake, that my wife is carrying the child of Lucifer and that, if they want to survive the coming apocalypse, they should start worshipping Satan (actually, the last time that my wife was pregnant, she was carrying the child of the ghost of Charles Lindbergh). The Amish, however, do not try to convert people to their religion--and for good reason.

Would you want to convert to a religion that holds four hour weddings? Would anyone want to join a church whose hymns are monophonic, without meter, in a bastard language composed of German and Swiss...and can last up to fifteen minutes? And, because they shun technology, you cannot even keep your hands busy with a Game-boy behind the pew. Imagine an interminable Sunday morning spent singing something akin to the monolith theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey while waiting for some old guy to get baptized. You know why other religions baptize children? Because they can hold their breaths longer! That is why the Amish sprinkle. If you sprinkle, you might just as well be Catholic.

But, it isn't just their church services. With inbreeding of Amish societies there are greater incidences of dwarves and blood diseases (like Maple Syrup Urine Disease which, thanks to Dr. Holmes Norton, can be treated successfully with pancakes and sausage). They also have higher incidences of autism, although how you can distinguish an autistic Amish from a regular one is beyond me. To top it all off, the Amish have a higher than average incidence of twins... so, the number of ailments the Amish have is multiplied times two. And, since the only birth control that the Amish practice is that the women don't wear makeup and the men have beards the size of surfboards, the country will one day be overrun by diseased laconic people dressed in blue and black.

And, they only educate to the eighth grade. When the state of Wisconsin fined them for this, they simply replied that "thee mayest kiss our collective ass". The court (Wisconsin v. Yoder) actually found for the Amish, due to the fact that being a self-righteous barn-raising troglodyte isn't taught in most American schools...

If the above isn't enough, they won't even fight in our wars...even the good ones. They call themselves "conscientious objectors" as if those of us who don't object aren't conscientious. Why don't they just let the fact that they are a bunch of autistic dwarves keep them out of the military, so that the conscientious objector slots can go to those of us who are cowards?

The worst grievance perpetrated by the Amish is, of course, the buggy. The human race worked really hard to invent cars. We work very hard to afford to keep and maintain them. All to get stuck behind some quilt-laden horse-drawn carriage on a two-lane Pennsylvania highway. And, when you pass them, isn't it the most natural thing in the world to want to pelt them with something? Well, forget it! It's been done so many times that there is actually a word for it: "Claiping." If I tried it, I'd probably end up hitting Harrison Ford and getting beaten up. What I'm saying is that the Amish are cowards. And, I don't mean that in the classical sense. What I mean is that we all have our own religions. But, it is the Amish who don't have the guts to completely ignore theirs...

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