Criticism. Essay. Fiction. Science. Weather.
1"Mark it 8, Dude." Get it?
Plus, fake facts are for sissies. 2The reality of the unreal
and the art of chewing. 3Getting interrogative with the Dark Continent
and ants are the Internet's idol. 4The author displays his clothes in piles on his bedroom floor. And 1,000,000 Rhode Islanders can't be wrong. 5One size counterfeits all, plus there's a run on limes and the movies don't talk good no more. 6The sweet and no-so-sweet of time travel
and the rigors of uncancellation. 7Personal Parties and Friend Finders considered 8Gamers of the world unite too much
and the new Star Wars scores. 9This week: one guaranteed way
to make yourself more famous. 10Awkward and tacky journalism in celebration of journalism. Plus, individuality now more expensive. 11There are balls in your head
and buds in your heart. 12The upsides of federal incorporation.
The downsides of shoddy adevertising. 13The first 90ways Quaterly Review begins!
1, 2, 3 pieces of Criticism! 14Not being able to look away from
bad grammar and junk material but still LMFAO. 15Spam can be fun if you don't
mind the corporate pimping. 16Some movies go Direct-To-Video.
We feel their pain. 17What the American media doesn't
want you to know about the Tour. 18Dumbing down The Honeymooners for
the preschool set; plus, pain as upper. 19It's 2005. Do you know what your
building's ecological ethic is? 20That building is whispering
ethical nothings in your ear. 21These movies will never know the
warm embrace of a projector lamp. Direct-to-video reviews return! 22The English language is growing & 90ways is on the case.
Neologisms Spoken Here. 23The American frontier is back and ugly as ever:
Here comes Sheriff Privatization. 24When making a British book into a British movie, it's all about the British, no matter what galaxy you're in. 25Condi bites the big one, Apple bites Condi, or Apple just bites. Plus, all the news that's packaged poorly. 26The Second Quarterly Review cometh... 27The rap album based on [adult swim]
has already been leaked. 28The road to Blockbuster is paved with good intentions: Direct-to-Video reviews are back! 29The preschool set belongs inside the lines
and the rain belongs in It. 30They're what everyone's talking with:
Neologisms Spoken Here. 31What time is it?
It's Standard Candy Time. 32Transportation is overrated.
And underrated. 3390ways' investigators go into the field.
And are vaguely saddened. 34See it again, whether you want to or not.
Picture this, in spite of yourself. 35Old comedians don't die,
they just get taken seriously. 36Pro: It's a 90ways debate.
Con: Both sides are just so salient. 37As long as Brokeback Mountain is sold out, we'll keep giving you Direct-to-DVD Reviews... 38At least we can all agree those people who say "Happy Christmas" are insane. 39The Third Quarterly Review
is ringing out the old year! 40New words for the new year. 41False starts and happy endings.
There's value in dead-ends. 4290ways has a confession to make.
We made up our history, too. 43Bringing you the latest from the world of dissembling: 90ways inaugurates the Hoax Report. 44It ain't about the facts, ma'am.
It's about the truth. 45Oscar nominations have been handed out. Direct-to-DVD movies snubbed again. 46What are the 90 points of it all? 47Spring: new growth, redemption,
Spring Traning. 48Technological advances notwithstanding, there's a whole new kind of static over the 6 o'clock news. 49O'Reilly's on the warpath.
The Chinese are not. 50The Hoax Report returns. And Canada beats Team USA. (That last part's actually true.) 51There's a lot packed into that intro and we feel no need to approach it in an organized manner. 52It's a surprise;
that's why you should have seen it coming. 53It's our party and we'll cry if we want to. 54Now that big, gothic banner looks positively antique. Plus, who cares about which cares about baseball. 55Being proud of Junior and bored in June. 56Every time I hear that song, I see a Cornell alum hitting a home run. 57What do heroin and Christian prayer have in common? They both star in the Direct-to-DVD finale! 58The cutting room floor in the desert.
The recording studio at first base. 59Tinted contact lenses and poorly delivered jokes. Foolproof. 60If you can't make a real quick 70 mill, how else do you justify a $125 million budget? 61Landmark case of 2006:
Orchestra v. Organ. 6290ways is interested in the words here, too. 63Everything in Criticism today is not quite right. 64Sports Utility Vehicles. Sort Of.
Sports. Golf, anyway.
65It's our Second Annual First Quarterly Review! 66Behold: The return of new word reviews. 67Bringing global warming in from the cold,
one dollar at a time. 68Don't believe the zinc industry's hype. 69It's crazy on the street.
It's best-selling on the teevee.
70Still crabbing about lost CD revenue?
Time to learn to shake your new moneymaker. 71Thrown into a plane.
With snakes. 72Space and Worlds and
snakes on planes. 73One giant vehicle is for war,
the other is for one day sales. 74It's all laid out for you.
From the numbing consumerism to the noble freedom. 75Sure the natural majesty was great,
but how about that Motel 8? 76One of life's great mysteries:
An Arby's in Mountain Time. 77Fall teevee is upon us.
Maybe some of it won't suck. 7852 + 26 = 78.
One and a half years of Ways. 79The smell of pigskin is in the autumn air. 80Someone needs to speak up in the name of common sense. 81New words are all around us.
Neologisms Spoken Here. 82What Dallas is now to someone who never knew it before: The Nostalgia Watch. 83Oh. The Horror.
A special Halloween installment of The Hoax Report. 84It was awful.
WomenAndChildren awful. 85It's like Carrie, but even better.
And somehow that became a great movie. 86He's in the corner.
And he wants to help you sleep. 87Up in the air. It's a bird. It's a hot-air balloon.
It's the 90ways Hoax Report! 88Tearing through the sentimentality and the water-colored memories: It's the Nostalgia Watch. 89Of all the Anabaptists in all the world... 90It's the week we've all been waiting for. 91We're reviewing the quarter to ring in the new year. 92Ringing it in is a burden we all carry. 93Am I my brother's keeper? 94This is all true. 95Notes to Notes.
Sometimes ears taste better than pens. 96Neologisms Spoken Here.
New words created through misappropriation. 97The lies of the diamond dealers. 98Crime, punishment, and the bits in between. 99Same name.
Different albums. 100All the forensics in the world can't
turn up any evidence of character. 101What makes America great
and not so great. 102Fanboy hand-wringing. Shocking. 103Panic in the streets,
Monsignor style. 104It's our second anniversary.
Break out the cotton. 105He kills for all the right reasons. 106The World's Cheese Imagination is within our grasp... if only. 107It's never an easy choice. 108Just give me one thing I can play for.
A Meet the Press Organic Theater Production
One of the benefits of living in the D.C. area is that you get to interact with the mentally ill in their native habitat. Throughout the course of one's life, one encounters a great many people with emotional and mental disturbances, especially in the food service and retail sectors; however, if you want to meet howling bat-shit crazies, I would enthusiastically recommend Southeast Washington, D.C.... especially at or around the area's many fine bus stops.
I was lucky enough to meet a personable schizophrenic last week, while waiting for the bus. To her credit, the woman wasn't a "stealth schizophrenic"; that is, the type of crazy that looks normal until you either say "good morning" or make eye contact... then, you spend the next thirty minutes on the receiving end of a lecture on the care and treatment of trouser hams or why the color blue is a government plot. No, you could tell that this woman was insane from quite a long way off.
There were five of us (on two benches) at the bus stop when she arrived. She sat first with a boy in his early teens and lectured him on the evils of masturbation. Then, she announced that she was going to sit next to "these two white motherfuckers," meaning me and the East Indian gentleman sitting next to me. Using enough swear words to meet the lifetime quota of a dozen or so sailors and a voice that ranged from slurred whisper to angry shouting, the woman completely unnerved my bus stop companion, so much so that he got up and moved out of the sheltered bench area. Then, she turned her baleful eye on me....
I have a theory: even the mentally disturbed know when their lives might be put into danger. The woman probably sensed that, as a gentleman, I wouldn't strike her; however, I was more than ready to push her into traffic. I looked calmly into her sunken-eyed, toothless face and watched her eyes slowly glaze over as she lost interest. She faced front and I returned to reading my book. Soon, our buses came and the curtain was closed on yet another M Street Organic Theater production.
Why did this remind me of Ann Coulter?
Well, if the bus stop lady were cleaned up, coiffed, given teeth and a wardrobe... then, her every word was taken down and put into a book, she would be Ann Coulter. Imagine someone sitting next to you at a bus stop and mumbling that Clinton "masturbates into sinks" and that the New York Times should be bombed. Would you give that person a hearty clap on the back and say "Ditto!" or perhaps "Boy Howdy!"? Or, would you work frantically to dig a hole through the Earth's crust with your buttock muscles and disappear?
So, why do so many people listen to Ann Coulter? What separates her from an insane bus stop lady?
Perhaps the difference is that she is invited to speak on television far more often than the crazy lady at the bus stop; in fact, far more often than all of the crazy bus stop ladies in all the world. Coulter's interviews are much like a conversation with a crazy person. When she is asked a question, she simply responds with "If you'll let me talk, I'll answer you", followed by enough non sequiturs to get her through the interview without answering any questions. Is she evil or evasive? Or is Ms. Ann Coulter simply insane?
Well, it is true that the conservative pundit never changes facial expressions. One gets the impression that, if her intestines were slowly pulled out and burned in front of her, she would still wear the same smug superior smile on her face. Did she learn public speaking from the Chuck Norris Performance Academy? Or, as I contend, was this expression surgically implanted upon her face?
Surgically implanted? Am I crazy? Heavens no! If I were crazy, I would be a successful pundit, spending my Sundays not answering people's questions on Meet the Press. I have constructed a scenario, which explains everything.
I believe that representatives of the Republican Party combed alleys and methadone clinics until they found Ms. Coulter with her torn dress over her head, talking to a soft drink can. They cleaned her, gave her cosmetic surgery, dyed her hair blond, and pushed her out into the public eye. By day, she amuses us all with her witty banter on the talk show circuit; by night, her handlers lock her up so that she doesn't try to inject oven cleaner into her arms. I developed this theory after I noticed that Ann Coulter never blinks... not even if debris is purposefully thrown into her eyes. She simply stares into the television camera like a lemur, trapped by a spotlight.
How can we rescue Ms. Coulter from a life of exploitative fame and fortune? We can simply ignore her. If we ignore her, as we did Marilyn Manson, she will eventually lose her usefulness and her handlers will release her back into the urban jungle from whence she came. She will probably continue to say the same things that she does now; however, she will be saying them to parking lot attendants, police horses, and trees. She will again be surviving due to the efforts of dozens of social programs initiated by liberal democrats. The irony will be stunning... if only she were lucid enough to understand it.