When I first learned that 90ways was launching the Hoax Report, I was on the job like ants on a discarded Sugar Daddy. I mentioned the assignment to my children who started yelling out "Cardiff Giant!", "Fiji Mermaid!" and "Giant grasshopper!" When my eight-year-old had the audacity to imply that jackalopes were a hoax, I had to gently remind him that jackalopes are real and that I have seen their eggs...

But, as my children were yelling ideas at me, it occurred to me that a critique of a contemporary hoax might be the best way to inaugurate the Report. At first, I couldn't think of a single one. Then, in an attempt to stimulate my thinking, I looked up the word "hoax" in the dictionary. IT WASN'T A WORD AT ALL! I was shocked -- see for yourself. I'll wait here.

Okay, it IS a word. I have simply initiated a hoax. Do you feel used? I hope so.

I would imagine that the people of South Korea feel pretty used by the hoax perpetrated by theriogenologist Hwang Woo-suk. Recently, the researcher claimed to have cloned a human embryo and created stem cells from it. Of course, cloning a human being opens up a host of other problems, such as finding a human being on this planet worth duplicating.

Anyway, Dr. Hwang's research turned out to be fabricated, his numbers false and his embryos constructed out of Wrigley's chewing gum and dead tropical fish. His motive, though unclear, could have been one of several.

1. South Korea needs attention. Every time that South Korea is on the verge of getting a kudo from the international community, North Korea steals its thunder. South Korea cloned a cow; North Korea started riding its bicycle with no hands. South Korea cloned a pig; North Korea proved that it had missiles capable of reaching Japan. South Korea announced that it had cloned human embryos; North Korea blew up much of the Yanggang province. South Korea got pulled into a pissing match with a country that doesn't know the difference between good attention, say for allowing a free press or making floats out of carnations, and bad attention.

2. Dr. Hwang thought that he could work it out later. You know how it is: You've promised a paper to someone and, even though you've done nothing, you assure that person that the paper is "going fine." Then, the night before it is due, you go without sleep to produce a literary work that is superlatively mediocre. Perhaps the good doctor thought that he could CLAIM to have cloned human embryos, and while the accolades were still being sent, he could work really hard and actually clone some. Then, when someone noticed the flaws in his data, he could retort, "Oh yeah?" and dramatically pull a cloned embryo from his jacket pocket...

3. Revenge. Apparently, Dr. Hwang claims that he was lied to and that data was manipulated to embarrass him... that other researchers are jealous of his successes and his funding. Proof of this is the famous "Case of the Ghost Embryo": For many months after the doctor cloned a pig, a ghostly apparition was seen floating up and down the hallways of his research facility. Subsequent investigation showed that the "ghost" was actually created using a film projector and a fog machine. The perpetrator was actor/director Mel Gibson. He would've gotten away with it, too...

4. Power. The South Korean government had already named Hwang "Supreme Scientist." It would've only taken one more discovery to kick him up to "Double Happy God-Doctor." This would've entitled him to a five percent increase in salary

There are plenty of other possible motives. The real question is "Why were we so BLIND?" Wasn't it obvious that something was amiss? Shouldn't we have asked questions when the doctor spent an entire press conference speaking to reporters with his fingers crossed? He claimed that it was to keep vampires away, but I feel that the reporters were too quick to accept this explanation. Perhaps the lack of baldness in Hwang should've raised a few flags. Speaking as an engineer, I know that all great scientists are bald. This comes from when they reach their first epiphany and the top of their skull actually flips three hundred and sixty degrees, Hanna-Barbara-style. I've seen it happen. It is startling...

But, we'd all like to BELIEVE that intelligent people can have hair too, so that is forgivable. Actually, therein lies the problem: Belief! A hoax is only successful if people WANT to believe it. People only believed in the Fiji Mermaid because they wanted to believe in mermaids. If there were no mermaids, that would imply that Hans Christian Anderson was simply a nut. People want to believe that there are still dinosaurs on earth and will even accept that one (the Loch Ness Monster) lives at the bottom of one of the world's coldest lakes. People even want to believe that carob tastes like chocolate, making carob one of the most heinous hoaxes ever to be pulled upon the human race.

The same goes for Hwang's research. His cloned stem cells are the perfect solution to one of our last universal fears: Growing old and dying. If we get some kind of disease associated with old age, we can merely add cells from a young us and presto, not only are we cured, but, since they are our OWN stem cells, we won't owe anyone else any favors. It is the perfect blend of medicine and rugged individualism!

So, what does the future hold for cloning? What barnyard animal will researchers be cloning next? And, if they clone a human being, what will the world do with a horde of Bill Gates' duplicates roaming California? And, the question that most people are asking, "How has this incident hurt the field of theriogenology?"

I understand that Dr. Hwang is desperately trying to clone someone who gives a damn.

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